Recreating the censored Knatz.com: / Personal / Chat / Jokes /
A priest is sitting in his confessional waiting for his next penitent. A shadow falls on the screen. An unfamiliar elderly voice says, “I’m ninety-one years old. And last night I had two seventeen year old girls: both together.”
Priest still can’t recognize the voice. Is this one of my regular parishioners? He tries a finesse: “Um, when was the last time you made confession, my son?”
“Surely you’ve confessed before. How about when you were confirmed?”
“Never, mister. I’m not even Catholic.”
“Er, then why are you confessing to me now?”
“Confessing? Balls. I’m telling you. I’m telling everyone.”
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate. “Sisters,” he says, “you’re all lead such exemplary lives, we’re going to give you a special bonus right at the outset: three more weeks of life as anyone you want.”
The first nun says without hesitation, “Sophia Loren.”
Poof, she’s gone.
The second nun says, “Claudia Cardinale.”
Poof, she’s gone.
The third nun says, “Sarah Pipolini.”
St. Peter says, “Excuse me?”
St. Peter says, “I’m sorry. I’m not recognizing that name.”
St. Peter says, “If you’ll tell me something about her, perhaps …”
The nun hands St. Peter the newspaper.
“I’m sorry. I still don’t …”
“Right there.” She points.
“Oh no, Sister,” St. Peter answers. “That headline reads: Sahara Pipeline Laid by Seven Hundred Men in Three Days.”
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
Christian / Science
Did you hear about the French biochemist who had twins. He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
I attempt to tell this joke because I think it’s so good, not because I believe I’m presently equipped to tell it well:
Jesus has to do everything himself. Still, he feels sorry for Peter at the gate and gives him the day off, insists. “Go. Relax. Play some golf. Sure, I’m tired too, but never mind. I’ll be alright. I’ll process the newbies today.
Along comes this old old guy. Big white-gray mustachios. Jesus has him introduce himself, tell about himself.
“I was old. I was alone. I was a master at making things. Really, created some wonderful things. But I’ve never begotten any children.
“And still I didn’t. But I created one magically. I made him from ordinary materials. But I breathed life into him. What a wonderful, magical child. But we got separated. Oh, the hardships he must have endured, living among ordinary people. …”
Jesus is getting very moved. A tear starts down his cheek. Trembling, he touches the old man’s arm. “Father …?”
The old man sees him, sees his emotion, focuses his rheumy eyes …
A couple are on their way to get married when they drive head-on into a truck. Now, still in their wedding finery, they arrive at the pearly gates. As Peter is processing them, they ask him: “Can we get married in heaven?”
Peter pauses, thinks, says, “I’ll find out,” and goes off.
The couple waits and waits. As they are waiting they think, “But what if it doesn’t work out?”
It’s three weeks before Peter returns, exhausted. “Yes,” he says. “I can get you married.”
“Thank you,” they say, “But what if it doesn’t work out? Can we get divorced.”
Peter gives them a look from the edge of patience. “It took me three weeks to find a priest in heaven. Now you want me to find you a lawyer!?!
A Pentecostal preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs’ who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”
Leroy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t till next week.”