Steven Wright Jokes

(and Steven Wright type jokes)

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Half the people you know are below average.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Speed of Dark
2013 10 17 http://news.yahoo.com/science-gets-graphic-comic-books-132754528.html
Great science explainer Brian Greene attributes this same exact wonderment to his young son. Presume the son hadn’t yet heard the Wright joke.

Quotes Quotes by Topic Quotes re: pk

About pk

Seems to me that some modicum of honesty is requisite to intelligence. If we look in the mirror and see not kleptocrats but Christians, we’re still in the same old trouble.
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